When You Let Your Head Talk, It Scrambles Incomprehensible S**t

Fear not the uproar of crowds, it’s the silence of solitude that will free you – Aniron Oh

Before you can muster the strength to put your finger on it, turning unfathomable ideas into words, you need to realize that solitude brought you transcendence. Flummoxed?

The talk of Susan Cain in (one of thousands) TED Talks about introversion, about the power of solitude, is my liberating and inspiring moment. I used to be too keen and stressed out on how to please everybody.  How a foreign piece of puzzle such me can fit into a big picture where none of them were my pattern. To be into conformity of what society want me to be, what my parent consider befitting, what my friends expectation steer me into. I left shards of my identity behind, to dogs and vultures of inconsolable past regrets.

I insist for my readers to watch this

I just want to have a quiet talk with myself. A dialogue. A monologue to be exact. The conversation where judgment is bearable and soothe-able at most. The talk that won’t wake me up in a middle of night to a nagging thought that I am lackadaisical, merely enough feeding my Ego but not my Id (my innate and primitive instinct and desire).

I live in a world where control is considered as strength. I have an anorexic sense that splurging and letting yourself go is not an option. Then there was religion and ideal and social orthodoxy. Sinners are those astray. Sins are those living beyond teaching of thick bounded scriptures.

Thou shall repent and ye shalt be forgiven.

World is full of hypocrites, judging without any slight tendency of wanting to be judge. Tolerance is sign of the weakest faith. I used to have an Ustaz teaching Al Lughah Al Arabiyyah who without hesitant slapped you if you smile in his class, he said “I studied in renown university in Egypt. I tell you this, Arabic people will hit you bad if you so much hinting a smile. It’s a sign of weakness.” I don’t know whether to believe him or not but I won’t be smiling for him for sure, and I hated him that I failed subconsciously in the subject. All of my Arabic teachers were mean, have they become so judgmental that even smiling is a punishable act. But I did score my Islamic Study though. I still remember calling him ‘Structure’, some codename of sort. Because he has a weird skull structure he might’ve sustained from all the slaps the Arabs gave him to beat a smile out of him (it works). Or he might be those Neanderthal still resenting bipedalism, for gravity punished  him with varicose veins.

Pleasing society can be tiring attempt. They will advertently place you into array of colors in their morality scale. If you don’t fit into smooth pastels, must be some outrageous striking (headache-inducing) color spectrum you are? Maybe just plain boring grey and black.

If I were to live as my original being, warts and all, they might’ve stitched onto me a modern scarlet letter,

...only 'E' for ebony.