3:11 am, Friday 17th, 2013
I find myself in reverse diurnal, another way of saying that I am a relapsed nocturnal. My circadian rhythm working against presence of sun, or biomagnetic field it creates as earth revolves and rotates in its orbit around it. My melatonin was triggered on daytime, by the first chirping of bird I am dozed up unconscious. I like to think I am a modern day vampire, sans good look or charming points. As créature nocturne, we are in this world that never sleep, the fall of Berlin wall of communication barrier, rise of the social network Jedi and shit like that, as we communicate more, we sleep less. We talk more, we listen less.
My personal side-table fan acted up. I think I broke it from years of forcing air current through its blade towards me. I am a lazy breather, I have a lung of 35 year old man, when I was 25. At least that was what IPR technician told me on my spirometry. Might as well saving up for LTOT later. These intercostals and those accessory muscles were here just because it is God given anatomy. I find it hard to hold my breath under cold shower for less than 10 seconds, you can kill me drowning in bathtub for less than 20 seconds, as panic takes away the rest of typical human oxygen deprivation capacity. So no sexual asphyxiation sadomasochism for me for sure. No choking, no smothering please. Sigh.
Now I am typing this entry under scorching warm night, to chuckles of those people of African tribes who sleep under the star and grow phototrophic towards the sun, instead of green they are melanin-rich. First world problem. Yes.
I think my thyroids were fucked up. From years of consuming caffeine. It got confused and decided to work as it please. T4 here, T3 there, TSH everywhere *sing to the tune of Old Mac Donald Has a Farm*. I can’t tolerate heat. Static air makes me sweat. I got palpitation at dawn. Thought it might be Somogyi in response to dawn surge of insulin. Then again I am a delusional diabetic. Not on paper, never in real life. At least not yet in near future.
Oh yes, my back pain is here. Hoorah on that. My old friend who stick with me through hard times. Never have I own a friend who actually there, come bearing pain and suffering like my favorite backpain. Stocked up on analgesic patch though we know it did nothing to it but I’d like to cheat my body to think that I am doing something to treat it, maybe placebo effect can cure it, as its existence is a somatization, so will the treatment. Like cures like. The pseudoscience of homeopathy adage.
I was asked many times about my list of hospitals for housemen-ship, to my surprise were their expression of regret that I decided to return to my place; my center of gravity, my motherland. I could have been sure that I am the most hated person in my batch. I’ll bet my toes on that. Like if I were to give them free pass to stab me with no legal consequences, I am pretty sure I will ended up like that poor man on Tarascon cover, only worse; decapitated, amputated and all. I am not a people pleaser, I act on whim and talk on impulse if I think something is intolerably stupid. Or maybe their response just to be polite. You know pretense polite, because it is socially awarded to be one. Though dumbfounded by this current reaction I remain unmoved. Give me one reason to stay, I’ll unpacked. So far, zilch, nada. So leaving is anything but arbitrary.
As much as I am deep-wrecked to leave. I also feel slight percentage of liberation. New people, new possibilities, new relationship, this one to bury.
P.S. this entry written under influence and fueled by hunger. Late night hunger pang and bullshit like that.