Said You're At It (Saturated)

Whatever happen to the sequel entry I promised you? I'll write it far soon, depending on where my tidal wave of mood'll bring me.

A little distraction:

You will by now see and got used to my way of writing, of which my fellow blogger classified as "disjointed", and I agreed. Because unlike normal writers, I write up and down, skipping sentences, left them hanging, constructing new paragraph before catching-up again, while new ideas keep pouring. My mind never work in a stable linear way, it always has a penchant to multitask despite repeated failure. Assuming Thomas Edison's persistence will be fruitful in the end. Well in actuality, it's like having seizure where neurons fired at crazy rate in unanimous spontaneity. Overdosing caffeine holds half-a-credit to that and the rest is due to my brain physiological anomalies (a.k.a psychosis). 

This is one issue I have been wanting to write but often hesitate, my inner self-censorship has my best interest in mind. 

I can see now that some of my fellow friends (if somehow they'll regard me the same) undergone a phase of saturation and de-motivation. There is no finger pointing here as same thing is happening to me. At this stage, years spent combo-ed with the classic administration drama, neverending shortage of academic staffs (or maybe my subconscious mind desperately looking for an excuse) and  lack of supervision; we couldn't help it but being lazy, unmotivated, complacent, not-a-care-in-a-world and just hands-down useless.

We are tired of what seems like long-running daytime soap opera and couldn't help from dwelling in our personal dilemma questioning whether this path we took will worth it in the end or are we just walking aimlessly on a shady and blurry path ahead. 

Seeing all of our schoolmates far advancing in their life stages, getting hitched, owning properties, reproduce and proliferate, being a working men and women; while we were stuck here being inappropriately over-baked and matured still have not starting life fully independent, thriving on limited allowance, that you can't help it but being discouraged with inferiority complex.

Our relatives and acquaintance that repeatedly projecting the same question "When will you finish study and become a real doctor?" somehow adding insult to injury. If only we can say "Fuck it and shut you pie hole with your redundant cyclical question," but it will end in bitterness.

Skipping sessions (BST, classes, ward works) are usually common symptoms. Believe me, I did this too. I haven't submit my first case write-up and delaying the second with due date fast approaching (or may be long past, as this entry published). My 'fuck-it'and don't-blame-me-I'm-depressed attitude only lead me to destruction, what Freud claimed as Thanatos (death instinct) as opposed to Eros (life instinct). 

When I am to deep in my low-mood (the D word), I will take 2-3 days of break spending it mostly hibernating, listening to music and over-consuming caffeine. The last time I did that, there was speculation of  me getting married and honeymooning. Duh!

Is this what they called as BURNOUT? I remember THIS ARTICLE, that I read long time ago. It seems like a fit answer.

All these translated to quite shocking number of disbarment. Have we too consumed to rush through medical school lest we be old by the time we finish. Have we forgotten that other than treating patient in holistic way we must first be whole and present in now. We are here, in the now and we are walking and existing.

This journey is not that long left but it is indeed winding. A journey with destination ahead that supposedly  take you a mile, but due to it meandering tortuous nature, will take you forever to reach.

I pray that we be strong and hold on. 

Let we not lead astray. 

Let we not forgotten. 
Save us from the sloth that we dwelling in. 

Let we not drift away from our goal and purpose.

For God will lead us.

This is a winding road. 

But as long we travel together, 

we might as well laugh this pain away 

and sing it out through the callousness of our feet. 

For you and me, 

in the end 

will take our own way,

 sail different seas 

and God-willing, 

we, on a given day, 

when monsoon wind blows right, 

will meet again

...as different person.

And again with my usual best pick-me-up song Sheryl Crow 'Everyday is a Winding Road'