"Kenapa tutup blog?"
Soalan tu bukanlah favorite soalan time SPM aritu, tapi tetap aku malas nak bagi alasan sebenar. Harap-harap orang dah lupakan blog ni dan tak datang-datang lagi. Semua followers aku dah delete atau block dengan harapan tiada siapa akan dapat trace kehadiran blog ini lagi. Aku dah tak contribute medical article kat MSCMSU lagi dan aku juga tidak jadi co-author untuk HOTS.
Blog palsu yang aku upfront-kan hari tu aku dah musnahkan menggunakan Action Beam Shin Chan. Aku cuma nak orang lupakan blogsite ni so aku tukar sebentar alamat blog site original ni dan dummykan blog page hodoh itu.
Tapi andai kata ada orang yang still terbukak blog ini. Sila jangan bikin kecoh, kalau aku tengok visitor counter tu naik sikit je, aku private kan blog ni. Ergo...hanya orang yang register email je boleh baca Gestalt. Which will be none of you.
Antara sebab aku tutup blog lama sebab aku tetiba rasa insecured mengenangkan banyak personal stuff aku post kat blog ni. Kalau strangers kat US yang baca aku tak kisah. Tapi kalau strangers cum coursemate yang aku tak kenal terbaca. Tidakkah aku ralat!
Secondly, aku still figure out apakah hala tuju my blogsite nih. Adakah cuma untuk menghibur orang bagi diorang gelak-gelak, atau patutah aku buat entry bersifat Mahmuddah sikit. Tapi being me, kalau aku buat entry penuh nasihat dan ceramah, aku bukanlah sesempurna dan semulia orang yang aku nak preach.
Thirdly, aku kekadang begitu enthusiastic nak hiburkan orang. Pukul 2-3 pagi rush gi CC nak update blog so my reader's life will be less boring (hopefully), at least if i got a feedback I will know that my endevour was worth it. Tapi kalau readers aku asyik senyap je, perlukah aku menjadi Cuddy jerit kat anak angkat dia "Tell me what you want?!!"
Fourth, the big D came again. The death instinct came knocking back like uninvited guest. I cannot rely on my close friend to tell them my problem. They never see me as a problematic and dark person. They know me as the joker, the funny, the happy-go-lucky so whatever words yang keluar dari mulut aku ni nescaya akan di anggap lucu even kalau aku cakap "Aku nak bunuh mak kau?"
It wasn't their fault for their failure to listen. Maybe it's my fault sebab fail tu be taken seriously. Making people happy supposedly make me happy, but that's it. Temporary euphoric moment of knowing people happy, but later back to my lair, I was the dark and morosic animals again. All my life, satisfying people always be my priority. My parents, my friends, all except myself. I never know apa yang boleh puaskan hati aku. I thought money will brings sunshine but never. I have my close friend living with me but NO, I hate the very idea of it everytime I woke up. He is now becoming my burden, being unemployed postgraduate I have to support his life under the license of being a good friend. But making people happy will actually make me sad. Making people happy will cost me time, energy and money also emotional exhaustion to me.
Putting up a fake happy face hoping nobody will know my own sadness. My life serves its purpose to cater to people joy and satisfaction. Who will cater to mine? Who'll make me happy? Who'll made me laugh?
Still I thought making people happy will make me happy?
I was time-tested wrong all over, but that such mistake I'll never intend to correct. It was socially accepted to entertains people.
I just hope there's a thing that made me happy. The big D came knocking at my door time and time again. Sleeping will never chase it away. Waking will invite it to stay. Euphoria...ecstacy...endorphine overdose is what I yearn about...or was it LOVE I was lack about? Nope...it was at the very bottom of my list, the last page of life thesis...an appendix maybe.
Blog palsu yang aku upfront-kan hari tu aku dah musnahkan menggunakan Action Beam Shin Chan. Aku cuma nak orang lupakan blogsite ni so aku tukar sebentar alamat blog site original ni dan dummykan blog page hodoh itu.
Tapi andai kata ada orang yang still terbukak blog ini. Sila jangan bikin kecoh, kalau aku tengok visitor counter tu naik sikit je, aku private kan blog ni. Ergo...hanya orang yang register email je boleh baca Gestalt. Which will be none of you.
Antara sebab aku tutup blog lama sebab aku tetiba rasa insecured mengenangkan banyak personal stuff aku post kat blog ni. Kalau strangers kat US yang baca aku tak kisah. Tapi kalau strangers cum coursemate yang aku tak kenal terbaca. Tidakkah aku ralat!
Secondly, aku still figure out apakah hala tuju my blogsite nih. Adakah cuma untuk menghibur orang bagi diorang gelak-gelak, atau patutah aku buat entry bersifat Mahmuddah sikit. Tapi being me, kalau aku buat entry penuh nasihat dan ceramah, aku bukanlah sesempurna dan semulia orang yang aku nak preach.
Thirdly, aku kekadang begitu enthusiastic nak hiburkan orang. Pukul 2-3 pagi rush gi CC nak update blog so my reader's life will be less boring (hopefully), at least if i got a feedback I will know that my endevour was worth it. Tapi kalau readers aku asyik senyap je, perlukah aku menjadi Cuddy jerit kat anak angkat dia "Tell me what you want?!!"
Fourth, the big D came again. The death instinct came knocking back like uninvited guest. I cannot rely on my close friend to tell them my problem. They never see me as a problematic and dark person. They know me as the joker, the funny, the happy-go-lucky so whatever words yang keluar dari mulut aku ni nescaya akan di anggap lucu even kalau aku cakap "Aku nak bunuh mak kau?"
It wasn't their fault for their failure to listen. Maybe it's my fault sebab fail tu be taken seriously. Making people happy supposedly make me happy, but that's it. Temporary euphoric moment of knowing people happy, but later back to my lair, I was the dark and morosic animals again. All my life, satisfying people always be my priority. My parents, my friends, all except myself. I never know apa yang boleh puaskan hati aku. I thought money will brings sunshine but never. I have my close friend living with me but NO, I hate the very idea of it everytime I woke up. He is now becoming my burden, being unemployed postgraduate I have to support his life under the license of being a good friend. But making people happy will actually make me sad. Making people happy will cost me time, energy and money also emotional exhaustion to me.
Putting up a fake happy face hoping nobody will know my own sadness. My life serves its purpose to cater to people joy and satisfaction. Who will cater to mine? Who'll make me happy? Who'll made me laugh?
Still I thought making people happy will make me happy?
I was time-tested wrong all over, but that such mistake I'll never intend to correct. It was socially accepted to entertains people.
I just hope there's a thing that made me happy. The big D came knocking at my door time and time again. Sleeping will never chase it away. Waking will invite it to stay. Euphoria...ecstacy...endorphine overdose is what I yearn about...or was it LOVE I was lack about? Nope...it was at the very bottom of my list, the last page of life thesis...an appendix maybe.
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