A New Year..... Again?

I'm welcoming this new year, the brand new year. What have I achieved for the past year? Wait! Let me think… not too much that I can be happy for, just some achievement that won’t even be remembered for the next few months. Ya! Ya! I finally got 4 flat (if that what people say about) in my third semester. So what’s the deal with that? it didn’t make me any larger or any healthier. Big achievement comes with big responsibility, burden and so on.

What do I have to say in this blog that I believe no one will going to read except for me. Yeah, today is 9th January and I feel such an emotional breakdown together with a cold weather that not even indicated rain is coming. Suddenly I feel like living in a highland and the need for fire place to warm myself (and my soul too). This cold weather gave me pneumonia and I can’t seem to stop myself from coughing. Did Streptococcus pneumoniae have finally resides in my lung and induce my cough. I hate being sick! (who don’t?) it slows me down, bring myself counting the day to my death even it’s not clinically significant to die out of pneumonia. I stopped myself from getting any treatment since my last tonsillitis, somehow I hate the doctor that taking out the money from my pocket out for nothing but a medication. Maybe I should go to the clinic, since the pharmacist wont prescribed me with antibiotic (especially penicillin). That bitch said “You need to have the letter from the doctor!” What is this? I don’t need this! This is a conspiracy to take my money from me. To drain my not so much luxury out my skinny flesh and bone. My joint is painful because of the harsh weather. Now I know how the menopausal osteoporosis old women felt.

I keep getting lazy and brain malfunctioned since I hardly spend my time for studying but mostly sleeping. Sleeping makes me puke. I oversleep! Wonder if it dangerous. Too long time-out of your brain can lead you to stupidity and slow your progress in study. I know that! but still I can’t help myself. This weather is a conspiracy too. Everything and everyone around me is making a pact to strip me down my victory and let me stumble down to the earth, eating the dirt and shit (if any).

My grandma is on vacation here, she is coming with my wealthy-to-be uncle and auntie to attend the seminar for direct selling product and my grandma came too. My younger auntie who is the best friend of me go to greet them at their hotel and maybe spend time bringing them out to stroll and shopping. What about me? Nothing! I just damn here alone, cold, sick and pathetically down. My parent didn’t call me anymore; my friend didn’t reply my email nor my SMSes. Everybody abandoning me!!! Wasn’t it the best reason to commit suicide. I’ve been thinking for the past few days to jump over the balcony of my 8th floor and even sending my suicide note to my best friend. Guess what? No reply! Meaning that they do agree with me for suicide. It just the matter of time for me to commit it. Just a matter of time.

Talking bout suicide, I remember the movie bout suicide. Yup! The movie called The Hour starring Nicole Kidman, Julianne Moore, Meryl Streep and lots of famous casts starring in this award winning movie. There is two suicide happen one of it is the main character played by Nicole Kidman as Virginia Woolf. How I really treasure this prolific and feminist woman. I haven’t finish reading her story titled Mrs. Dalloway, and I am about to commit suicide soon.

What am I talking about? A suicide? If it ethically correct, I will do it with no hesitation. But my religion prohibit it even say “All those who taking their own life is a sinner! Must go to hell! Must be burn to an ash and relive again and burn and…” did I have any choice? I don’t want to go to hell. Maybe I should wait and stay longer breathing till I die naturally. Maybe I should make myself sick, play under the sun and be radiated, so I can have cancer, so I can die faster. But the stages are to long. Maybe my parents and everyone who loves me (if any) persuade me to go for chemotherapy, radiotherapy or even some spiritual approach. But it still consider suicidal.

How can I trick the death so it sounds like I’m not killing myself. Yup! An idea! Maybe I should join the bombing militant. Wrap the explosive material around my body and go to Israel and…BOOM, I die as a syuhada’. That’s the best way to die. But it still sound suicidal since they called this working of act as ‘Suicide Bomber’. Well, let just wait till my expired time really come. But til then, I will suffer!!!