Neverending Self-Discovery

It’s such a hard time for me. Bewilderment of missing and rage. Why is there any question about rage when all I suffer is fury? Why do I fury over something that not exists? Why bother asking?

Such confusion I am suffering right now. Everything so blurry and it clouding me I can’t even see the light behind. It covers my mind I could even think of solution. I was burdened by responsibility. Punished by expectation. Killed by demand. How can I live when there is no life…?

People are so crazy and they can’t let people live happily. There are so envious towards others. To see someone smiling such a splinter to their heart. Kill that smile meaning no pain to their self. I am running instead of dissolving the black shadow chasing behind me. Again it’s bewilderment! I can choose to face it but it so horrific so I choose to run. But for goodness sake for how long? Where to?

I see my mother eyes while I am staring at myself at the mirror. I see my father courage once I touch my hand. I feel their expectation enveloped me. I can’t sense mine, I can’t find it anywhere around me. I live up to their hope and expectation. But for the sake of what? Am I a living machine to accomplish one’s dream? What is my dream? I learned to forget my dream. My life was planned! What to further and what to forget. My future been painted long before I am exist. I am someone with no living, much responsibility, much vulnerable and tender heart to care for. Where’s mine? I lost it long ago!

Aaah… I hear my sigh sent from my past, kept by the yesterday’s air. Then I sent today’s sigh for tomorrow. I am talking to my mind again since there is no one to talk to. All they prefer is to talk, never to listen. Too much talk but never to walk the talk. They are man of manifestation. They are man of dream. Never will wake up but did it only to find everything is shattered around in a thousand pieces. Where is mine?

I can’t find the reason for tomorrow as I can’s perceive what’s yesterday’s. What to life for? What to reach for? Why bother setting a goal when every ball scored. Sigh! Emptiness and lonely! I am alone with everybody! My inner cry pours again. My inner-being scream for freedom. I was trap in the cursed land of Shah Alam! Again I was free to move physically, but actually I am programmed.

What the hell the day today! What the crap those people will make? Who are going to die on a paper? What stupid fact should I learn? What???

Always wonder how am I going to end myself. Am I going to die out of dignity or such a shame? Am I going to die being shot while protecting someone or die out of taking excessive sleeping pills, jump over the building, hanging myself at the ceiling… Hahaha, it’s funny to look at it at the horrible death catalogue.

I couldn’t remember yesterday! I lost the yesteryear! I forgot yester life! I download than I erase it, permanently deleted it from the recycle bin. There you go! I totally forget. My mind is so worrying me? I accomplish but I never happy about it. Last week I know that I got three A’s from the mid semester paper. Others, still not marked yet. I am not happy! Not because I never thankful but I couldn’t find any reason to be so. So I choose to make someone else happy. I send SMS to my dad, later he called me with a happy voice, again he loading me with such obligation and expectation. I love my dad, my mum and my family. But I hate myself for not being myself. Being others, shaped and molded by others. Where is me? I’ve asked about it long time ago? Still I can’t see my shadow? Is the light too bright? I will look after it again and again… in my next self-discovery….

This week ‘Top Ten Jokes I’ve Receive Through Mobile Phone’

#10 What the bee says when he return to the hive? – Honey, I’m home!

#9 What is the male candle say to the female candle? – Want to go out tonight!

#8 Why is it such a bad idea to fall in love with the pastry chef? – Soon he’ll dessert you

#7 Teacher : Can you tell me your name?
Student : Phillip!
Teacher : You must say ‘sir’ as well
Student : Okay! My name is Sir Phillip!

#6 Woman #1 : I made my husband a millionaire.
Woman #2 : What was he before you married him?
Woman #1 : A billionaire!

#5 Woman : You told me these fries were fat free! Look at all the oil!
Waitress : The fat is free. We just charge you for the potatoes.

#4 What do rabbits do when they want to learn fly? – They join the Hare Force

#3 How to avoid from parking summons? – Keep you wipers move faster

#2 Man #1 : I’ve heard your parents have an accident?
Man #2 : Yup! Long time ago before I was born.
Man #1 : What happen to them?
Man #2 : They just got me!

#1 Husband : Of all the pets in this pet shop, why choose cat?
Wife : Oh honey! Isn’t it purr-fect!