Exactly what I felt right now. Been self-destructive and non-compliance with my own logical judgement. It’s like I’ve just switched on my own TNT and tear myself into unrecognizable pieces while waiting for it to explode me into fine powder. I am not sure whether I should talk to someone professional about it, maybe just learn some problem solving technique so I can somehow turn everything into something in an act of coping. Wait, my dad has Master in Psychology and Counseling but my dad wasn’t the best alternative. He is someone that I should never mention these to. How I wish my dad is some sort of Psychiatrist so maybe I could sneak out writing myself Xanax prescription. Again with the expectation...ugh.
I’ve been driving people away which help nothing but domino effect. I just put an end to my 14 years of friendship with my best friend as an outcome of ridiculous excuses. Yeah, let me see, it just add up to 3 people on my isolation list. It wasn’t something you’ll hang next to your diploma on your achievement wall. What if they are not the causes, what if I am the one who supposed to be blamed for all these? Yeah, what if I am? But my thick wall of ego will never let me passed for my intent to seek forgiveness to all the people I’ve maliced. I will just keep getting worse and worse. I know I shouldn’t trust my own intellectual judgement of this but from what I’ve learned, I am just a damn DEPRESSED son-of-a-gun who is well-trained to destroy no one but myself. How I wish I am Heath Ledger right now. Let just hope my hypochondriac mind will protect me form the big S-word. God will never forgive me, let alone me. So Lord…please have your mercy on me!
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