Old Dog, New Trick & Unleashed

Toward the end of this journey, I find it tricky to deal with certain adjustment. Just now, I am setting alarm clock on my phone, which usually consist of three sets of alarm 0600 0615 to 0630, with three minute snooze and 10 repetitions each as I am well aware of how recalcitrant I am. Because I have to catch 0730 bus to Klang, I need to be ready earlier or else I have to wait another hour to catch the next one. Though sometimes, I purposely let myself go and wake up later therefore missing important morning sessions or be a late-comer. But if morning sessions is ward work or clinic work or SDL, I usually opt out to dream work instead. Attending hospital seemed such optional, as long as your attendance is 80% and above, be a kid in a candy store, you may choose your day to skip.

But early today, at approximately 0500 as I am priming my mattress and setting my alarm clock, resting my head and re-evaluating my energy expenditure for today (which usually was badly spent on counterproductive activities). It strikes me like sudden gasp of air, on realization that last week was the end of formal teaching of my MBBS years. There are no more compulsory attendance to clinic or an urge to attend ward work or scheduled teaching sessions worrying over attendance percentage. This is it, no more teaching.

Like a domesticated and caged wild animal released into natural habitat, perplexity ensue with incapacitating deliverance. I am liberated from such guilt and requirement, some sort of sweet release with bitter aftertaste.

I AM FREE. 

IMPENDING EMANCIPATION. 

MY MEDICAL STUDENT YEAR IS ALMOST OVER. 

INSHA-ALLAH, GOD-WILLING THIS TOO WILL END SOON.

Every Sunday night, I usually experienced such adrenaline rush and urgency precipitate by delayed comprehension that there are still too much task at hands not yet done. Haven’t catch up on my reading and revision etc. But not this time, what left to do is preparing myself for upcoming battles. When it is all over, no system will put me on schedule anymore. No more bedside teaching, ward work, clinic work, seminar, tutorial, case presentation, self-directed learning, case write-ups, on-call etc. I am left to fend for myself.

Wow…

…wow

Next time, whenever the alarm ring, I will have no option to snooze and ignore. I need to wake up because it is my responsibility to be so. I have patients to manage, clinic to attend and shift to cover. It is no longer optional, I am responsible for it. Punishable even. 

I am trying to embrace this reality slowly, if not reluctantly. I am going to miss all those sessions and carelessness. No more sitting in class pretending to listen and all those bittersweet moment of medical school. As much as I want it to never be over, and chronically persist, that will never happen outside Never Land. I ain't no Peter Pan. I am literally going to be a working adult, if age isn't prove enough. 

I am such melancholic bitch. Counting the day to goodbye.