Ante Up

“There’s a thing I will do, bury a hatchet or two,”

I wrote this entry at 7.30 a.m. Tuesday morning. I am subconsciously re-training my sleep cycle; an important issue my mother have been worried about back when I used to own gritty cystic acne-laden face. Supposedly, on ordinary work day, this time of the day is where I am vacillating between turning in to my warm bed and formulating excuses not to attend hospital or getting ready for it instead. The former always win. By large margin and windfall.

Holiday week is where detoxification and sleep re-training takes place for me. Seems like irony, but when you have no worry whether or not you’ll wake up early to catch an early bus; my mind will quiet itself, and just sleep. As for detox program, instead of going full monty or the whole nine yards to reduce yourself to lemon juice, cayenne, honey and apple cider vinegar and go all the way to Korsakoff, I adjust it to reduce my meal to one serving or half a serving. Used to do it conscientiously that it flare-up anger inside me, what Naturopathist claim as one of detox common sequelae; emotional detox. Wish it can rid me of sins and iniquities.

Now the irony is, the only vice I am unable to wean myself off is actually the biggest shareholder of my body toxin (apart of co-sniffing meth) consolidated; caffeine. I can’t afford to let go of my long term affair with it; if it is compared to a spouse, I might be the rare phenotype that is obsessively faithful up to level of co-dependency. Not studying for my exam doesn't make me toss and turn in jittery and nervousness, staring at depleting box of tea does. Thing I’d lose my toe for.

Entering second and final cycle of medical school. The final countdown. Make or break it. Last bullet. I am 1/4 happy, 1/4 scared, 1/4 vacuum and 1/4 in rumination. Large part of the reasons is that I am losing passion and interest in medical field, I am not that amped-up anymore. But since I am like a hungry rat in a maze race, the finish line is where cheese awaits, either you are lactose intolerance or against the use of rennet (for kosher sake of it), you need to cross it anyway and re-think your decision before they placed you back in cage to suffer another period of hunger for retaining of what’s left of conscience there is. Mahatma Gandhi full throttle.