These [sic] Is Me

I know this entry is inappropriate. In a brink of incoming Internal Assessment 1, I took a long break to write. Well I was kinda waiting for my powerpoint handout print to finish.

It has been long since my last serious entry *I know*.

Well it seems that I can hardly sleep much these days. Not because I am studying or anything beneficial, but…how to say it… I got early satisfaction with only two hours sleep the most. I know my body trying to play coy with me and be less demanding and I thank ‘it’ for that. But my mental capacity is to the drain. This entry has proven it.

These are the reasons why sleeping is hard to do:

• I was bothered by SMSes in my second cycle of REM;
• Someone rang my phone for purpose of chitchatting or catching-up;
• Got sudden nocturnal cramping that cause me rudely awakened (no I wasn’t talking about erection);
• My bladder was at sensation next to an explosion and in an immediate need for relief;
• My bowel signaled me to empty myself or the next cycle of fart will be part messy, part smelly and all wrong;
• I was gangraped by families of mosquitoes;
• My roommate made too much noise;
• The notion of certain people who kept on playing hide and seek with their emotion;
• I was thinking about other people problems and miseries. Getting deeply empathic has a high price to pay.
• Missing someone too bad it frequenting my dreams;
• Medical facts kept on paragliding my brain even when I politely request them to stop and behave in my amygdale or hippocampus;
• My nervousness and constant reminder cue telling be about these and those.
• My body got hot and sweaty though full blast of fan directed towards me.
• Responsibilities, responsibilities, responsibilities (superlative much)
• My housemate keep on forgetting to bring their key so I was seriously bothered by their knocking that I am (grudgingly) have to open the door and gave them the if-I-have-machete-with-me-I-am-going-to-slashed-you-into-forgetten-pieces-of-SOB kinda look.
• Alarms (as in plural) from my phones (as again in plural, bragging not intended)
• Reminders of people’s birthday that prompted me to text them my birthday wish with half-opened eyes.
• My worry of being late to hospital
• My feet got cold.
• My pillow was abducted so I have to figure out where it is.
• I was matching my office wear while tossing and turning on my bed.

These little things that normally doesn’t bother me now becoming major concerns for no reason. My head is complicated. I am in a brink of burnout and self-destructing. I know deep down in my body, my systems is working damn hard to keep me sane with a constant bribe of caffeine and supplements.

I wonder what was it like being (chemical-bleach-afected-brain) blonde and seriously demented. Life will be much simpler then.

And have I told you about my internet addiction. With no porn purpose (I am sadly humbled) but scrolling through tones of medical journals that can temporarily calm my brain.

I know I need to downregulate my brain but unless it got severe hemorrhagic stroke or was shotgunned, it just won’t stop. I am not that surprise that on one gifted day, I might have automatically shut down while standing up and never restarted. Only then I will have the luxury of resting.

No, I am far from being suicidal. That approach was much simpler for my intricate brain. No I am not bragging intellectual, I am crying malfunctional.